Revision

When I was prompted to pick out one of my previous essays to write about, I took a while to pick one. I was debating between my research essay and my personal narrative, and I was thinking about the pros and cons. For my research essay, I felt as that I knew my topic very well, so I could still remember what I was writing about and did not need a recap. I knew corrections that I needed to add, and I genuinely liked my topic that I Researched: Islamic Spain. However, I participated in National History Day and had to submit my essay. I placed in regionals and exceeded to state, and the judges gave me corrections on how I can make my essay better, and it was lengthy corrections. I spent a total of 2 and a half hours editing and revising it. I felt that my essay was very well written after that, and I personally could not think of any more changes. That was what made me decide to opt out of doing my research paper because I could not think of any more corrections, and frankly, I was a little tired of editing that paper. For my personal narrative, I knew that it would be fun revising because this was my first essay from this year, and I was rusty on my writing techniques. There were many careless errors that is easily noticeable and can be fixed. When revising this essay, I focused on two traits to work on: voice and organization. When I read this essay again, I knew that I lacked these two traits because I did not have many vivid details. More vivid details were one of my main corrections, and I applied more in my essay. My organization was off, because I would write about something, then move on to something else, and then go back to what I was explaining before. Just from fixing this, my writing sounds more theoretical. In addition, my teacher gave me feedback that I can now apply very well because since it is the end of the year, I can apply all that I have learned in this essay. One silly thing that I did was that I used exclamation marks in my essay. This was an easy correction because I just substituted them for periods. My not-so-easy correction was that I needed to focus in on my special moment in my essay. I went to the writing center for help and ended up using more vivid details to make this moment more specific. The objective was for when I am explaining what "club" looked like, for the readers to have a clear picture in their head. Below is my essay and I hope you like it.

Utopia for one week

            “Goooood morning campers,” was my routine wake-up call every day for the next week in Tyler, Texas. I’m not a morning person, but at camp, everyone was excited to wake up and start a new day. It all started when my two best friends, Christine and Sara, convinced me to go to Pinecove summer camp. I was apprehensive about this because I, being a provincial thinker, thought that I wasn’t a camp person: I’ve never been to a summer camp and I would much rather stay at home and sleep. However, I pushed my feelings aside about camp for the first time and decided to go.  

When I drove into Pinecove, its sight reminded me of Disney World because the counselors were jumping up and down and cheering. They had silly string to spray at you and video cameras to record the camp highlights for the end of the week. It was an unusual sight because we were in Texas’s sweltering heat in the middle of summer, and the counselors were drenched with sweat. With all of this heat, they were still jumping up and down while the male counselors were carrying our trunks to our cabin.  Christine, Sara, and I said our goodbyes to our parents, then started our first day of camp. This camp has a schedule that we go by each day, and we do different activities. We do these activities with our cabin, and I really liked that. I got to know my camp friends better by doing activities with them because we all have to trust each other, and a special bond was formed.

When we met our cabin, we were all shy at first, and for granted, my talkative self was too, because I only knew Christine and Sara. After our awkward “hellos,” we quickly bonded over hot fries and icees. It from there that I knew that this would be an exceptional group of friends because we had so much in common. My whole cabin and I had such a distinctive bond, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The cool Texas breeze embraced me as I entered a room that was plain at first sight but would later become a place that holds special memories. As I was walking, vibrant green, pink, blue, and orange lights met me, and partially blinded me. It was like a concert—the lights were flashing, and there was a stage at the front of the room that consisted of a band. There was a projector that displayed the lyrics for Christian music. The whole camp and I sang songs that engages you in a way in that you’re jumping around but also had a deep understanding. It was the singing that has so many memories because everyone was so comfortable around you. I loved this eminently because no one judged you. It was like you were singing in the shower because we could care less how our voices sounded. When we were singing, I could truly feel God’s presence around us. I would get goosebumps up my arms when I learned something new about God and thought about how it affects me. “Club” was such a peaceful environment to be in. It was this moment where I thought, “Wow, nothing can get better than this.” After my very first club, I looked forward to it every day for the rest of camp. 

Following “club,” we had Bible study with our cabin. I’ve never read the Bible so deeply before. It was almost like we were annotating. Once you understand what’s going on, there’s symbolic meanings and symbols that bring these Bible stories to a whole different meaning. For example, one symbolic phrase that we truly and deeply understood was, “I am the good Sheppard, and you are my sheep.” Once you break it down to its true meaning and apply it to the story, it’s like reading a completely different story with a different perspective. This process was very eye-opening and changed me remarkably because I now have a deeper and more significant understanding for the Bible. This also brought me closer to Jesus because it truly showed me how much he sacrificed for us. I also feel as if a part of me opened up to people more. My friendships grew stronger, and I did not know that just from just for a week of summer camp, I would be changed more than I ever have been in a week.

There was always a positive atmosphere vibe floating at camp. Every activity related to the Bible, and I loved how after each activity, we would gather and talk about how we can apply that activity to the Bible. One activity that my cabin did was The Big Gulp. Two people were sitting with harnesses on, and it is connected to a cord that brings you about 45 feet. One person has to pull the cord, and you swing back and forth. After this activity, we discussed how sometimes you have to take a leap with your faith, but God is always there to catch you. I then realized that everything I do in my daily-routine can relate to God.

This camp was a utopia to live in. I was thinking to myself, “If only the world was like this camp.” We would have more peace, no war, and no discrimination. We would have a more welcoming community, and everybody would get along. Unfortunately, no place is like this permanently, but a single person’s doing can drastically change a community. Martin Luther King was tired of racial tension, and he changed history for all of us just in his lifetime. We can all do something to change the world, and try to make it a utopia to live in.

The last day of camp was what I dreaded the most; saying goodbye to my friends that I’ve grown accustom to waking up early every day with. But especially, saying goodbye to my friends that have deeply understood the Bible, and applied it to their everyday lives. It’s hard to open up to someone and share your beliefs with that person. This happened to all of us, and we knew everyone so well. After saying bye, my next stop was home. During the whole car ride back, I was reminiscing on my new memories that were just created. It’s remarkable how many memories you can make in just one week. My memories from camp were equivalent to a library of books: each book was a different memory, and the books filled up the whole room. I was elated at myself for deciding to go to camp. I’ll never miss an opportunity to make friends like camp friends again, and I still hold the characteristics that changed me from last summer.